


Eleven Probable Honeymoons with River Song

by paynesgrey



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-05
Updated: 2011-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-19 01:19:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/195297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paynesgrey/pseuds/paynesgrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They have several random meetings through time, and all of them could possibly be their honeymoon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eleven Probable Honeymoons with River Song

I.

It was quite possibly their second time together. The Doctor didn’t know, not really, and it bothered him. He didn’t want to admit it; though, he didn’t have to by the smirk on her face. She already knew it was their second or third special _something_ together, somehow.

Damn her! She _always_ knew. Why couldn’t things just go right by them for once?

How she managed to get his clothes off, talk him into booking this room in an alien hotel, well, he’ll never remember - or never admit to knowing anyway.

She distracted him; that was it. She made him feel hot and clever, and she ran her fingers down his chest and straightened his bowtie, and her unbridled hair tickled his face, and she congratulated him for saving a whole planet, where no one died and without any of her gun-happy help. He felt so proud of himself.

Blast! He realized just as he’d been thinking, River Song had climbed into his lap and snaked her arms around him.

She’d gotten him again.

II.

“I don’t like this planet!” the Doctor whined, and she pulled him along grinning as he sneered at their onlookers.

“Quiet, sweetie. You’ll anger the locals.” She gave another tug on his leash - the customary and _mandatory_ male accessory of this planet, and in order for them to blend in and not get executed, River had to convince the local military that the Doctor was her male slave, and she did with him as she wished.

Ha! She _wished_ alright.

He still didn’t have to like it.

After another tug, he wanted to slap the smile right off her face. He hated her sometimes, especially now, when they were meeting more toward the middle of their journey, and he was prone to letting her have her way. (Not that it was ever a problem before.)

“Please, tell me Dr. Song _why_ you had me to bring you to _this_ planet?” he yelled at her. She threw him a backward glance.

“The Queen of this province has something I need,” she said, and when they were finally out of range of spectators, they had come to their designated room. The moment the door closed, the Doctor was ripping the horrid steel collar off his neck and bouncing around the room in a fit.

“You mean, you have something to steal from the Queen,” he scoffed at her after a minute of raging about the local culture. “Unbelievable.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” she said, only making him angrier.

“You weren’t the one on a leash!”

“A change of gender roles is quite refreshing, I think,” she said, sashaying over to him and fixing his bowtie again. He looked at her, the anger still storming in his eyes, and he started to relax when her hand crept under his jacket.

His tone sounded low. “Oh, I’ll remember that the next time to roles are reversed, River Song.”

She had already pushed him on their bed, straddling him before she answered, “And I say you know what I’ll do to you, Doctor, if you try that with _me_.” Forced onto his back, she loomed over him and cocked her head. He idly noticed her favorite gun still holstered at her side. “How many regenerations do you have left, sweetie?”

  
III.

A much older, more confident Doctor met River Song again at the beginning of their relationship. Really, it didn’t take long for their relationship to advance. He supposed she’d weathered him over the years at meeting him in the wrong order that in this moment, when she was the one who didn’t know much about him but wanted him anyway, well, he admitted to feeling more comfortable.

River Song, whether young or old, was in no way as vulnerable as he’d imagined her to be on one of their first encounters.

He did think in his wiser years that he still should practice formalities somewhere - having that _talk_ despite River’s knack for jumping into trouble.

So he held her back. She was already grinning at him, her wild hair casting a shadow over their shirtless bodies on a purple-grassy meadow. She was laughing at him, teasing him, “Come now, Doctor, don’t tell me it’s been a long time!”

“River...” And so started one of the most ridiculous conversations they’d ever have, and he was quite sure that she wrote it somewhere in her damn diary as well.

“I feel I must tell you...If we’re going to be serious, just to ease your mind...”  
She watched him, bright eyes dancing and her body rocking against his with anticipation.

“Yes, I do have all the appropriate parts.” She froze, her eyes widened and her mouth gaped. “I don’t have any sexual diseases, human, alien or otherwise...”

Her face turned red, and he couldn’t tell if she was terrified or ready to laugh.

“And in the rare and inevitable chance it comes to this...the safe-word is Linda.”

IV.

“RIVER!” He screamed her name as loud as his lungs were capable. As the ground rumbled beneath him, the bed began to shake, and he tried desperately to free himself from her handcuffs... holding him prisoner in this bed.

“Untie me now!”

“Coming, sweetie!” He heard her voice echo from somewhere. Another room? Where the devil was she? She’d given him something local to drink. Foolishly enough, it smelled like fish sticks and custard and he couldn’t resist.

It was decidedly _not_ custard, and from what he could remember, there was a lot of laughter, touches, kisses, and a clever game about all the creative uses of an inanimate Dalek. He supposed that was a good conversation if he could truly remember it.

It was the earthquake that woke him up. He realized his surroundings when the volcano erupted. Not a good time to be tied to a bed - and naked only wearing a bowtie.

“The planet is blowing up! Get back here!”

She finally appeared, in thin black underwear and a bra with a gun holstered to her hip. Of course. She folded her arms over her chest and didn’t seem concerned about the natural disaster happening right outside their window. She smirked.

“What seems to be the problem?”

“Well, there are loads of problems, you see, my hangover the least of it, but if you didn’t notice...the planet is cracking apart, and I’m tied to this bed without my sonic in reach!”

River seemed amused, but not very anxious to help him. If anything, she looked like she was rather enjoying his state.

“It’s fine. Just a little earthquake,” she said, walking toward him.

“Please, River, untie me. I have this thing...about active volcanoes,” he pleaded.

“What’s the magic word?”

He furrowed his brow. “Linda?”

She laughed and released him. He swore at her. “Where were you? And what did you put in my drink last night?”

“Oh that, well, I had to take care of an errand,” she said. “Something you wouldn’t approve.”

He looked at her, and suddenly, the volcanic eruption didn’t seem so important.

“You didn’t! You seduced me to go steal something...or worse, kill someone!” River tried to suppress the smirk, but was unsuccessful.

“Don’t complain too loudly, sweetie,” she said, handing him his trousers. “Trust me; you got something out of it too.”

V.

“Did we have a honeymoon?” he asked her. They were shivering and holding each other while trapped in a cave - somewhere on this frozen planet, and probably without hope of escape. Well, the Doctor had hope. He’d seen River in the Library, so he knew they’d get out eventually.

River didn’t seem to have as much as hope as he did. She wasn’t resolved to die of course, still clutching her gun and hoping the battery would charge itself in time to blast them out of this cave - hopefully before they froze to death.

“We had loads of them,” she said, grabbing the sonic from his hand. It made a pathetic groaning sound as it too was acting wonky in the frigid cold. It also had been damaged in the fight with the local yeti-like aliens of this mountain, and like River’s blaster, it was taking time to right itself. She fiddled with it, and the Doctor watched her like a dog, hoping she wouldn’t bust his favorite toy.

“And a wedding?”

“Lots of them too,” she said, slightly preoccupied, though he didn’t know if he should believe her. The moment he turned his head, she had disabled a panel on her blaster gun, pulled out a few wires and jimmied it to his sonic screwdriver. She blew on the wires like a kiss, and her gun moaned in reaction. It seemed to be at full power. She grinned, jumping away from his warmth, and before he could take his screwdriver back, she was already firing through the cave wall. She turned back to him with a contagious smile, and she lightly put the screwdriver back in his hand. He looked down at her, awed and grateful.

“We could always get married again, Doctor,” she flirted.

“As long as we could honeymoon again,” he returned, and they bolted out of the cave into the calm, cold terrain back toward the welcoming Tardis.

  
VI.

“It’s no use! It’s won’t work,” he said dejectedly.

“Are you telling me to give up, Doctor?” she shot back defensively.

“No, no, no, just...give me a minute.”

“But I _want_ it now, Doctor. We may never have such a fantastic opportunity again.”

“Unlikely,” he grunted.

“Here,” she said, moving forward and shifting around him. “Let me help.”

“Oh!” he crowed, when her hand reached downward, finding exactly what she was looking for. “Stop! You’ll only make it worse.”

“Really, Doctor...”

“River, please...” He blew out a tired breath, pulling away from her.

“Don’t you dare think you can get away from me that easily,” she said, sounding annoyed and dangerous.

“I’m telling you that part is dead; you’re just going to have to wait for a recharge,” he sighed. He heard her fumbling with some wires, banging around metallic pieces, and pressing buttons with moot purpose.

“Did you try to reverse the polarity?” He could hear the grin in her voice, which upset him even more.

“Dr. Song, I really hope that wasn’t a euphemism.”

“Oh! Sweetie, what an excellent idea,” she said, pulling on his jacket and dragging him along to a secluded room.

Repairs to the Tardis would just have to wait.

  
VII.

  
River threw her guns onto the large, gold velvet bed and turned to the Doctor with a salacious look in her eyes.

“Honeymoon suite, seems appropriate,” she said, and she saw the Doctor, a younger version, hovering cautiously by the front door.

“It was all they had,” he said almost in a whisper, watching her guardedly, fidgeting. “Plus, it has a pool, with jets. I like jets.” He stared at her intensely, terrified as she grinned. “Right, and I was just about to take a dip in the pool before you interrupted me. I feel like I deserve it.” He frowned. “Now that the Tardis has been stolen.”

“We’ll get it back,” she assured him.

“Oh.” He tilted his head. “No doubt.” He still didn’t budge.

“Why don’t you come over here next to me, Doctor,” she said, settling on the side of the bed and patting a spot next to her.

“Curious...have we...” He made some unintelligible noise, “You know, yet?”

River’s grin widened. “Several times.” His face appeared paler. “Hundreds even.”

“Oh, well, you know, this _me_ , I haven’t - with you, yet,” he said, coughing awkwardly.

An eyebrow lifted. “I gathered.”

He paced a bit, swaggering with forced bravado. “You know we’ve only just kissed, a few times. I feel like there’s always this sort of vertigo between us.”

“Yes,” she said, hopping off the bed and coming toward him. He froze, letting her cage him at the door. “It makes things interesting, don’t you think, Doctor?”

“Well, I suppose it’s both maddening and intriguing all at once,” he said, looking down at her. His hands started to busy themselves with stray curls of her blonde hair. “Hundreds of times, eh?” He exhaled a heavy breath. “Any...of them, well, good?”

Her arms hugged around him now, hands resting on his lower back. “Now really, Doctor, do you think I need to have sex with you a hundred times before I can consider it good?”

The Doctor was about to answer, but then he stopped short, feeling the weight of her statement. Her lips on the curve of his mouth felt nicer than words. “Dr. Song...” he said, and she purred with a “hrmm?” and closed her eyes, kissing his neck. “Don’t answer that.”

She giggled as his arms squeezed around her, pulling her flush against him as he finally regained his nerve.

VIII.

While Amy and Rory were flirting with each other in the Tardis, he was grateful for an unexpected phone call, as well as eager to answer it after the first ring. “Hello, this is the Doctor!”

“What are you wearing?”

“What?” His shout startled Rory, and soon he had a pair of eyes on him. “Who is this?”

“Spoilers! Now tell me Doctor, what are you wearing?”

He spun away from prying eyes and hissed, “River! Where are you?”

“You didn’t answer my question, what are you wearing?” she purred.

“What kind of question is that? Are you in danger?”

“Oh,” she sounded bored. “It’s you, the young one with the fez. Okay, fine. I’ll tell you what I’m wearing instead.”

“Er, I think I can guess.”

“Mmmm, I don’t think you can. I’ll give you a hint. You’ve tasted it before, but it’s not a food, and it’s definitely not clothes and it kind of shimmers like a ruby if the asteroids circling this planet are in a certain alignment, which only happens in every 400 years.”

“River...what did you steal?” She laughed.

“You’ll appreciate it, well, older you, but you should come quickly and see it, and if you’re inclined, to taste it too. You’ll regret it, and your life will surely be in danger if you don’t.”

“I’m not doing this with you right now,” he said nervously, with Rory and Amy’s curious eyes still boring into him.

“Why not? We always do this. Otherwise what is that phone in the Tardis for?”

“Emergencies, River,” he stated loudly.

“But this _is_ an emergency, Doctor. I need you, _want_ you. I could die...this thing I’m wearing, it’s pulsating and it could be dangerous, I don’t know, that’s why I need you to come fast, Doctor, sweetie please...” she moaned.

“Heavens, what has my older self done with you?”

She chuckled again. “Why don’t you find out? You’re the adventurous type, right?”

He said nothing, but damn, he was tempted. Before she hung up disappointed, she smacked a noisy kiss through the phone, and he could almost feel it, all the way down in his gut - and other parts too.

IX.

Amy and Rory found them, not so shockingly, in a tangle of limbs presumably naked under a bundle of blankets in a dark cavern, miles from the Tardis.

“Oh, result! They finally did it!” Amy hooted with laughter.

The Doctor sat up rigidly; freshly awake and unmindful to cover himself as he and River both came too. River groaned, and Rory yelped and spun around as she sat up as well, showing the suspicions about their nudity to be true. Amy, however, wasn’t as concerned with modesty.

“Have a nice shag?” She crossed her arms over her chest and grinned at them. The Doctor stared at her, still out of sorts, and River furrowed her brow looking around their surroundings, more for her guns and less for her clothes.

“What happened?” she choked out.

“Possession, definitely,” the Doctor quickly explained, but Amy burst into laughter. The Doctor looked at her seriously and continued, “It’s true. This planet is full of non-corporeal entities that can attach themselves to solid hosts. You humans may call it a ghost planet, and well, it is, sort of.”

“And two of these ghost aliens took over you and River and made you shag each other?” Rory asked, still turned around.

“Wouldn’t be trying too hard,” Amy commented.

“Oy! I was attacked and violated against my will. Have a little sympathy,” the Doctor huffed, and River started snickering by his side. He turned toward her, offended that she wasn’t taking this as seriously as he was.

Sighing, the Doctor flustered a bit, looked under the blankets, looked at River, and then looked under the blankets again. “But yes, as evidence would suggest, seems there had been some shagging.”

Amy’s laughter echoed throughout the cave, and even Rory couldn’t resist a smile.

“Alright,” the Doctor said, feeling rather exposed. “At least this time it wasn’t pollen.”

X.

“Are you wearing a skirt?” River asked.

“It’s a kilt,” the Doctor assured her.

“Are you sure? It doesn’t look like a proper kilt. Maybe you got the design wrong,” River teased.

“The Tardis never gets a design wrong,” he said offended. “Now, quiet, we have to go rescue Amy. That stupid Scottish warlord kidnapped her for his bride.”

“How romantic,” she drawled. “Why did you want me to come along again?” She eyed him suspiciously when he wouldn’t answer right away. “This wasn’t just to show me your supposed kilt?”

“No, though I do like this kilt,” he said proudly. “But no, I need the firepower, and you know how I feel about guns. Plus, Rory doesn’t have the control you have...”

“Ooh, a compliment,” she said, but she still didn’t believe his reasons. He wanted her with him for something, and she would most certainly find out.

“So, are you coming with me?”

Suddenly, a breeze blew through them as they stood on a hill overlooking the encampment where Amy was being held captive. River studied the Doctor with amusement, instantly pleased when the wind upturned his kilt and gave her a nice view.

“As long as you have a reward for me later,” she said beaming. “I suppose I will now.” The Doctor grinned, looking smug.

“What can I say,” he boasted. “I have a penchant for historical authenticity.”

  
XI.

“So…you’ve recorded pictures of all my faces.” He braved the question to her as they were enjoying tea in Paris. They’d run into each other by accident. Amy and Rory had wanted to shop, and the Doctor, fancying a showing at the Louvre, caught River eying one of the paintings – to steal or admire, he didn’t know. One thing led to another, and here they were at the cafe the next morning.

“All eleven of me?”

“Thirteen, all of them brilliant and wonderful,” she corrected, and his eyes went wide. “Though I quite fancied your eighth one, and he met me but obviously forgot me. He had wonderful hair…” Her eyes went soft as she smiled, sipping her tea.

“What? Wow,” he said, amazed. “You have known me a long time.”

An eyebrow lifted. “Is this another mature woman jab because I’m really starting to hate you for it.”

The Doctor grinned widely. “No, no, and you don’t hate me, so stop saying that.” He leaned closer to her chair and said. “Please, one spoiler, do I finally become ginger?”

She slapped him playfully on the shoulder. “Oh, shut it.”

He laughed and nodded. “Right, right, spoilers. I got it.” She caught him staring at her, studying her like a tightly closed book or an impossible code to crack. “I suppose I won’t be making those jokes much longer.”

“Thank heavens,” she said.

“No, I mean it. I’m really frightened to meet your younger self. Excited too. So curious I can barely stand it. How you must have been,” he said in a faraway tone.

“Careful, you’re getting ready to make another crack,” she warned with a sultry smile.

“Come on, you know what I mean, what if I meet you…and you’re _too_ young,” he said, with a look of horror on his face.

“Doctor!” River scolded, setting down her tea cup.

“Well, you’ve never told me, and if I meet you and you’re eight, after all we’ve done, well, it’s going to be really weird!”

River stared at him incredulous. Suddenly, she started laughing. “Don’t worry, Doctor. I won’t be too young, and you’ll manage somehow.” She bent close and kissed his cheek. “You’ll sweep me off my feet, Doctor, and it’ll be quite a skill because I’ll already be running.”

He laughed at her. “Well, now I look forward to it more than ever.” Silence cascaded between them, and the Doctor felt time painfully crawling away. Rory and Amy would soon return to him, and River Song would be racing through the universe once again.

“Still,” he said. “A young River Song…” He spoke aloud idly. “I suppose you’ll drive me mad then as you do now.”

“Spoilers,” she said in an amused whisper. She patted his hand gently, and before she could pull away, he took it in his and squeezed. She lifted her eyes and met his deep stare, filled with lifetimes of mystery and chaos.

“But don’t worry, Doctor. My younger self is really not that bad.” She pulled her hand gently from his, standing and readying to leave. “But I can’t promise you that I’ll hurt you too much.”

He gave her a weak smile, and the gravity of her words simmered on his mind even after she disappeared into the Parisian crowd.

He supposed, at least, that even a warning like that was tempting enough to explore. And with River Song, it was always and most assuredly a worthy adventure.

END  



End file.
